All of the bodies that have ever been on my body...
A preview of my upcoming romance essay
Teaser Preview of “All of the bodies that have ever been on my body”
Full publication in Salukis on Swift from Bloodstone Press, 2025 - available on Amazon
All of the bodies that ever been on my body
Sunny Anne Williams
To live in the era of Taylor Swift’s existence is such a privilege. I’m not sure what my little graveyard of romances would look like without her.
Her music is like pulling the paper fortune out of the cookie and finding that it’s exactly what you needed in that moment.
She has inspired and empowered me and kept me afloat when heartache tried to sink my ship. She has been my guide, my therapy, the company that my misery has loved. Every piece of me that has been stolen or given freely is drenched in her music, her words, her pain, her joy. These are my stories of our shared soundtrack.
Long live the walls we crashed through.[1]
Magic Came Looking For Me
You take my hand and drag me headfirst
Fearless[2]
It was like lightning when we met that first day of filming. We spent the next twelve hours in a tiny makeshift train car together, messing up our lines, laughing at the ridiculous props, gazing curiously at each other whenever the camera wasn’t looking.
The energy changes when you’re in the room
My breath ceases, can’t see anyone but you[3]
He was cool in a way I’d never been. The kind of guy who was probably popular in high school. Long hair, an easy smile, a voice with a little gravel in it. His body moved like he knew what to do with it; he was strong and lean and sparkling. I wanted to dig every pretty word out of my brain and describe him the way that Tolkien describes a tree branch. When they say that eyes twinkle, his were the kind of eyes they mean. Usually full of mischief, often examining me, always somewhere between barley yellow and olive green, and never without a sense of flickering light, as if reflecting the flame of a candle that burned somewhere in the vicinity, the glow creating fragmented shards of darkness along his irises, like a vase that had been shattered. He felt like a poem come to life. I didn’t understand how he could be so comfortable in his skin. He was relaxed, unbound, and yet completely dynamic. I had never encountered anyone so thrilling in my entire life.
You’re just so cool
Run your hands through your hair
Absent-mindedly making me want you[4]
I remember standing in the kitchen later that day and I felt a hand on the small of my back as someone passed behind me. Electricity rocketed through my entire core. I turned around to see who had touched me, but I already knew it was him.
I know you feel it
Bang!
Like my body was reelin’[5]
He didn’t have a car that summer. He asked me to pick him up on my way to set every day. I would catch him watching me from my passenger seat, his olive-green eyes beaming with fascination. Sometimes we would sit parked, just talking.
I don’t think that passenger seat
Has ever looked this good to me[6]
It wasn’t long before what was unspoken found its voice. “You’re killing me,” was the starting pistol. He told me that I was trouble, that he wished that I wasn’t married. He had a girlfriend anyway. But we were far away from our homes for an entire summer, and neither of our relationships had been going well when we’d come here. He was careless; I was fearless.
You’re not mine, I’m not yours
So why do I feel like you should be in my arms?
In my arms, and not hers[7]
I’d been persuaded to get married very young to the first person who had ever really come along. He was sweet and I loved him in a particular way, but he ignored me. He had moved me away from my home, my family, my friends and he spent all of his time at church or playing video games, two things in which I had no interest. He was a homebody. Meanwhile, I was in the prime of my life, discovering who I was, and I wanted to be on stages and in bars, singing, dancing, laughing, drinking… being seen. I wanted to feel wanted. I wanted to be surrounded by the aliveness that I felt thrashing inside of me, demanding to be fed. We were very different and living quite separate lives by the time I left home that summer. My boredom was bone deep.
I dream of cracking locks
Throwing my life to the wolves
Or the ocean rocks
Crashing into him tonight[8]
Days on set melted into nights of singing, dancing, laughing, drinking. Often, we would lie on the couch at his place, watching The Golden Girls as his fingers played along my arm, giddy contentment and naïve expectation buzzing in my stomach. We couldn’t stay away from each other. So, we didn’t.
I miss the force
That flung us into each other and ruined me for life[9]
He wanted to be around me so much that he took an Argentine tango class with me. Who does that? We would practice without music, moving only to the sound of the vibrations that emanated from our bodies whenever we touched. I started to understand how he was so comfortable, just being. He made me comfortable too. I had never been able to be myself with anyone before. With him, I felt like I was shining.
Don’t be afraid, please, jump, then fall
Jump, then fall into me[10]
We would say the exact same thing at the exact same time, and he would look at me like this was new to him too, like he couldn’t believe this existed.
I can’t put this down
But can you feel this magic in the air?[11]
It was wrecking to realize how lonely I had been before that summer, how irreparably trapped I had felt in my dispassionate life, how much I had been pretending. Years later, he would ask me if he’d ruined my marriage, and I would tell him yes, because he’d brought me up from under water.
But people are people and sometimes it doesn’t work out
And nothing we say is gonna save us from the fallout
And we know it’s never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me[12]
He was sprawled in the grass next to me during a lunch break, his arms crossed beneath his head. I fed him a bite of something. Maybe it was fruit. I allowed my fingers to linger at his mouth. He smiled lazily at me, his eyes more golden than usual. It was the closest I’d get to his lips that summer.
I miss catching you looking at me
With those hungry eyes
I miss the way it always made me feel
Like I was alive[13]
We went, just the two of us, to see a Marvel movie on its opening weekend. I bought our tickets, engaging with the theatre employees in my usual animated and upbeat way. He remarked that everyone who meets me likes me. I hadn’t known this about myself before, and decades later, it’s still one of my favorite things about myself. No one had ever observed me the way that he did. He told me he couldn’t get enough. Sitting in the dark, our hands nearly touching - but not quite - I felt like we were young and free. But we weren’t.
You’ve turned me into some kind of rebel
My head used to be level
But life’s too short not to revel[14]
I could tell he didn’t trust himself when he was alone with me. He began to pull away, to grow distant. In response, I grew hurt, then angry, then cold. I had no right to.
Did I say something way too honest
Made you run and hide
Like a scared little boy?
I looked into your eyes
Thought I knew you for a minute
Now I’m not so sure
So here’s to everything coming down to nothing
Here’s to silence that cuts me to the core[15]
We were filming in a park one night and while the crew was messing with the lights, I climbed into a tire swing. He found me there and pushed me through the air for awhile, his strong arms catching and releasing me, his eyes shining in the dark like stars in a night sky. I was enraptured. We went back to barely speaking after that.
I feel like I’m alive when we’re together
I can’t understand how we can be so starcrossed
Oh, life is never what I need it to be
I have to admit, I wanted you to come find me[16]
We had months together. Hours and hours of touching and talking and learning one another. In that space of time, I felt more than I had in twenty-six years of life. Magic, madness, heaven, sin. Confusion, anger, bliss, rupture.
There was a point
Things that you said
Things that made me wonder if you loved me; instead,
I was wrong[17]
But nothing actually happened.
It’s a tragedy that you never kissed me
It’s the saddest thing that you don’t feel the same
You and I lost out to bad timing
And it’s a crying shame[18]
He thanked me for driving him around all summer. I made a passive aggressive comment that I had only done it because I was too nice. He seemed hurt. But I was in agony, so I thought, good.
In this passenger seat
You put your eyes on me
In this moment, now
Capture it, remember it[19]
And it was better that way. His fear had protected all four of us, I suppose. I was grateful, in the end. Many years later, we would both be single at the same time. At least I would be, and he would tell me that he was.
Why does it feel like a vow
We’ll both uphold somehow?[20]
Principle filming wrapped in mid-August. Without a goodbye, we both returned to our respective states and significant others. He started a brewery. I wrote an album.
Days go by and I think of you
We never speak; there’s no reason to
What more could we say?
You were the one that got away[21]
[1] Taylor Swift. “Long Live.” Speak Now.
[2] Taylor Swift. “Fearless.” Fearless.
[3] Sunny Williams. “Trouble.” Magic Came Looking for Me.
[4] Taylor Swift. “Fearless.” Fearless.
[5] Sunny Williams. “You, Me, and a Fridge.” A Lovely Mess.
[6] Taylor Swift. “I’d Lie.” Fearless.
[7] Sunny Williams. “Turn Your Head Away.” Magic Came Looking for Me.
[8] Taylor Swift. “Guilty as Sin?” The Tortured Poets Department.
[9] Sunny Williams. “The Force.” Magic Came Looking for Me.
[10] Taylor Swift. “Jump Then Fall.” Fearless.
[11] Taylor Swift. “Today was a Fairytale.” Fearless.
[12] Taylor Swift. “Breathe.” Fearless.
[13] Sunny Williams. “The One That Got Away.” Magic Came Looking for Me.
[14] Sunny Williams. “We Should Run.” Magic Came Looking for Me.
[15] Taylor Swift. “Forever and Always.” Fearless.
[16] Sunny Williams. “Starcrossed.” Magic Came Looking for Me.
[17] Sunny Williams. “I Am a Girl.” Magic Came Looking for Me.
[18] Sunny Williams. “Crying Shame.” Magic Came Looking for Me.
[19] Taylor Swift. “Fearless.” Fearless.
[20] Taylor Swift. “Guilty as Sin?” The Tortured Poets Department.
[21] Sunny Williams. “The One That Got Away.” Magic Came Looking for Me.